08 - 04 - mixed feelings
Prep -
do whatever and get generally warm for about 10min - hacky sack is a go.
Work -
… to come.
Session notes: programming has been off lately and it is obviously due to me. I think it's important to relay a message: your "down time" in training, meaning those times when you're "not so clear" as to the direction your heading, or if it's even worth showing up, are both inevitable and of importance. I don't want to downplay the basics of things like recovering like an adult, eating nutritious foods and sleeping decently well, and what impact that can have on human motivation - I just don't think that's all of it.
Usually these strange ethers of training end up in something: a next progression like strength endurance or capacity, or just honing down on the basics and doing your work for a little until you figure it out - but this feels different. It feels like if I don't make a change, there will be consequences. It feels like the people following me will figure it out, and, my deepest darkest fear will be actualized: leading people to nowhere WHILE thinking I'm leading them to somewhere.
Affekt has never been about reaching some gross, distorted level of "fitness nirvana," and just so you know: such nirvana doesn't exist, and if it did, I have a strange feeling that it is a waste of time reaching.
I guess the most important message I can relay now is this: there is just some thinking that nobody can do for you. I've gone through the rolodex in my head the past few weeks: who I've learned from, programs I've done, "experts" telling me to go this way and that way, even sheepishly allowing Instagram Algorithms to fuck me from behind so I can see the pretty videos of those "fitness nirvana" wannabe's offering advice while strategically trying to tell you they're not offering advice, or saying that their advice is just better than the next one, so you should buy their program (it's optimal!) - the inevitable swipe - because... they read this study or that book. Fuck you.
I took me looking through my own programming - months ago, even years ago. I see the struggle and the changes, I see, in real time, a person trying to figure something out. Yes, there were influences, major influences, but at the end of the day it was me - writing a theory, testing a theory, and seeing if what I thought was of benefit, I actually got. Fuck around and find out - arcane style.
This led me to make changes, simple ones: how can I control my circadian rhythm better? How can I organically have more energy throughout the day... but it didn't stop there. I thought about who I was back then (literally a year ago, maybe two), what I got from it, who was around me - and I have to tell you, it is fucking inspiring. It made me double down on, sure, the basics, like sleeping and nutrition. But it also made me double down on who I spend my time with, who I allow in, what relationships I nurture.
I don't do this to be in better shape so I can go to a family party and flex my biceps as I reach for the mashed potatoes (although that is kind of fun). Capability has become a cornerstone of my existence, without it I would be far worse off than I am now, both physically and mentally. Notice "capability" as opposed to "physical capability." The physical part is there, but I think we all agree that it is not divorced from everywhere else (mental, emotional, metaphysical).
For a lot of us a lack of basic capability or improvement is panic-inducing - I don't feel good when I feel fat, flat, and out of shape. I feel better when I do things the right way (not digging myself into too much of a hole) and maybe look a little better. I feel great when I can change things based on intent, sensation and overall “feel” more so than following the “right path.”
In other words, what I want from training is not only bigger muscles and better fitness, but a perspective shift - if having and owning the skill of deconstructing the way you think, seeing inside of it and where the problems are - would that be of value? I want my perspectives thrashed, I want to see what is on the other side - to deconstruct the world of things, and reconstruct the world of values.
Sometimes it sucks but I've realized that this only works if I'm all in. If every ounce of me tries to figure something out and do something creative, engaging and thought-provoking. Change doesn't happen unless I really try. Training is a part of that and can be and hopefully, will be. It doesn't mean you walk away from every session feeling like your insides are churning. It means you walk away from most sessions grateful for what it gave. Expression isn't automatic. Style is inevitable but substance is only something you can figure out for yourself. Change takes time, and effort, and yes, discomfort and habits and blah blah blah.
Most of all it takes you realizing that the thinking your trying not to do, or to get someone else to do for you, is the thinking you need to do yourself. Doing so means that you can become an "open book" per say; this is incredibly valuable to those that have it. Capability is freedom in that capability is simply allocated experience in all, or mostly the right directions. It is as much how you deconstruct something as just doing it. it is a way of moving (on a spectrum) from wanting to having. It makes me realize: I have change, I have capability, I have people and a community. And I could give more - to it, to the process, to my family, to you. So, I will.